Coldfinger
by hisviks
Summary: Sometimes being with a vampire can get a little chilly… Total crack with a hint of spaghetti… I blame Meridian and Willy Warmers… -One-shot- COMPLETE


_A/N: __Please note that I don't own anything pertaining to the universe of SVM and True Blood created by Charlaine Harris and HBO. Any recognisable characters, storylines and/or dialogue belong to them._

_I blame Meridian for this feel free to Google the image that started this string of crackfics but beware there are modeling shots..._

**Coldfinger**

Eric smiled contentedly, that flighty little fairy had finally succumbed and yielded to his charms. He'd pump his fist in the air if he wasn't so tired from happily pumping away with something else all night. Naturally he fucked the life out of her, so she was out cold but that only seemed to heighten his male pride. With her senses out for the count he happily indulged in some thoroughly male sounding groans and purrs of contentment while giving his reflection in the mirror across the bed a self-satisfied wink and a thumbs up. Suddenly a strange sensation overtook him, like a low vibrating feeling. In an instant he was beside the bed stomping away with his feet trying to make the odd sensation go away, surely it was some sort of fairy trickery remnant. The tingles disappeared in an instant, and only then did Eric notice that the object of his affection was the source of this sudden consternation.

He slipped back in beside her between the luxurious satin sheets till he finally uncovered the cause. Shivers. Momentarily perplexed he poked a finger at the trembling skin and growled instantly when he saw a trail of goose bumps emerge that reached far beyond his point of touch. '_What evil ghost was doing this to his Sookie?'_ Eric wondered angrily as he roughly woke her up. Only _he _was allowed to make her shiver with such ecstasy as she writhed beneath him. Only _he _was allowed to elicit trails of goose bumps as she delighted in his cool caresses. _This_ invisible motherfucker was worse than Bill.

"Eric what's wrong?" Sookie asked with a rather inelegant yawn.

"You're being attacked!"

She blinked once. Twice. She peered around the room for a third and final. "Am I missing something?" the telepath wondered aloud while another cool shiver ran down her spine, eliciting a sharp inhale through her slightly bluish lips.

"There!" Eric exclaimed. "It's happening again! Some evil ghost wants to have his way with you! Tell me where he is and I will devour him to pieces!"

"What are you talking about Eric?" Sookie questioned as her brows appeared to be knitting together in wonder. She was yet to figure out what had overtaken him as he suddenly stood in the bedroom, naked, in a warrior stance lashing out at the air wildly. On top of that his sudden movement had left behind a sharp gust of wind causing her to shiver again when the cool air hit her naked form beneath the sheets.

"This... this _shivering, _the goose bumps and the moany breaths," he accused as realisation suddenly dawned on him. "You like it when _he_ does this to you! Only I'm allowed to make you feel this way!"

Sookie's hands ran up and down over her face with a tired sigh before her full ire awoke with the rest of her, "I can do what with whom I damn well like Eric Northman! I don't quite recall having Property of Area Five branded on my ass!"

"But-" he started to protest feebly.

"No 'buts'!" she fumed, though he did have a rather nice one. She wouldn't mind proclaiming that as hers, with an added 'How am I driving' sticker and her phone number of course. "Did it ever occur to you I might be cold? That being in a subterranean layer with no heating and thin satin sheets for warmth isn't ideal for a living breathing thing? You don't have a duvet or even a comforter! And you're not exactly Mr. Hot Stuff either!"

He gulped. Rather audibly.

"And you insisted on sleeping naked!" she continued in her tirade. Having had enough, Sookie got up covering herself in as much of the sheets as possible. "That was the last time I ever agreed to do anything with you Eric!"

"Sookie," he pleaded with puppy eyes that made her annoyingly weak in the knees, as he tried to stop her intended trajectory to leave his cold basement while grabbing at her clothes that were strewn across the room.

"No Eric!" she spoke resolutely. "I'm going home and getting myself warm!"

"You seem rather _warm_ now," he pointed out smugly gesturing at the flush of pink on her skin. "Why don't you allow me to get you _hot_ beside your bothered_?"_ Eric leered as he ran his encompassing hands down the sides of her body.

"I don't thinks so buster!" she yelled out with a cautious step backwards, which caught her tripping over the sheets that were swaddling her form. Naturally Eric and his preternatural speed had her in his arms before she even realised she was falling. "Put me down! You a-hole!"

"Not until you tell me how to make this right," he insisted with a sharply raised brow.

"Not until I tell you how to make this right!" she fumed preposterously, causing her cheeks to shade to a delightful crimson. "You can start by wiping that smug smile off your face. An apology would be _nice_! And something other than your amorous rubbing to keep me warm!"

He sank to his knees in front of her instantly, "Sweet bodacious Sookie please forgive an ill-mannered vampire who has grown too accustomed to the cold to notice your need for warmth. I will pluck the behinds of thousands of ducks for their down to keep you warm, shave many sheep and swaddle you in wool and take you to the warmest places on this fine earth. If you could only find it in your loving and warm heart to forgive my inability to see to your basic needs, and I shall vow never to do so again."

She tried desperately to stifle her amusement during his extended declaration and by the end it did all seem rather silly, even to her. "You're forgiven," Sookie finally conceded after a cruelly stretched moment of silence as he eagerly awaited her reply. "A blanket will do just fine, or maybe that blue sweater you wore in Russell's mansion. You looked really good in that."

"Alas, that was ruined by blood," Eric spoke with a little regret, making a mental note to have Pam find another for his Sookie to enjoy. He pulled her in close, dropping cool kisses on her heated skin to get her that much warmer. "I shall have Pam fetch you something to keep you warm," he promised before his tone fell an octave. "How about in the meantime, this amorous vampire does his best to keep you burning."

"That would be agreeable," she countered with a hint of aloofness that quickly erupted into giggles as she was launched into the bed to be rubbed all over. Eric took a momentary pause to send out his instructions to Pam in a text message but it was so swift Sookie barely took notice of it all.

…

"Get back to bed," Niall admonished as Pam was fastening the buttons on her suit jacket.

"It's just a quick errand," she offered in apology before indulging in a parting kiss. "I'll be back before you know it."

"I'm going to have a word with this Maker of yours," he threatened again. "Sending my Precious out in all hours of the night."

"Don't," Pam warned, circumventing a discussion they had one too many times. "I enjoy doing this for him."

"Fine," he pouted. "Bring me back something nice?"

"Always," she winked before speeding out of view.

It didn't take the blonde vampiress long to procure what she needed. Her extensive vault catalogued and archived more information than she would ever need. She sauntered into Eric's house making her way down and seated herself in his office, waiting for her Maker to appear. Thankfully he took but a few seconds, Niall's spaghetti might otherwise have gotten cold.

"Where is it Pam?" Eric asked, expecting her to be holding shopping bags full of 'options', as Pam always referred to them.

"Here," she said tossing the small cardboard card to him, had it not been for their connection as Maker and child she would have been long gone by that point as it firmly informed her to stay put.

"What. Is. This?" Her Maker commanded holding up the tiny red woollen scrap that was formerly attached to the piece of cardboard. It had the outline of a penis, but it was decidedly very small. The perplexed vampire assumed it must be one of those penis enhancement products he was always getting emails about. He never bothered to look at them, figuring that was meant for the penis challenged of the world which he surely could not count himself among.

"A Willy Warmer," she replied with a demonstrative batting of her overly made up lashes, which had her wondering if her Maker had suddenly lost his ability to read as it was clearly written in giant red letters on the package.

"This is not what I asked for!"

"Yes it is," she returned defiantly. "It's woollen and will keep your Willy warm."

"I asked for something to keep Sookie warm!"

"No," Pam countered stoically holding up her phone that displayed his specific instructions. "And I quote, 'Bring me my Willie something woollen to keep warm'."

"That is obviously a mistake," Eric scoffed.

"Yes, Willie should be spelled with a 'y'."

"It was meant to say Sookie!" he screamed in exasperation at the humans' so called 'smart' phones and their pesky autocorrect feature. "This thing isn't even big enough to cover my thumb, let alone what dangles between my legs!"

"It certainly wouldn't fit my Niall and his fire-hose," she taunted with a mischievous glint in her eye. It never ceased to get old, to lord over the knowledge to Eric that _her_ fairy lover not only instantly succumbed to her charms but also possessed a far more gracious plenty than her Maker's. "I figured this was about your size now. It's so difficult to tell after seeing Niall's."

"Pamela," he growled, which reminded her the spaghetti was getting cold and Niall would surely be making the same noise if that happened. "How is this going to keep my _Sookie _warm?"

"Don't blame me for your mistakes," she shrugged before tossing him another Willy Warmer. "Here, have one for each thumb, Niall hates it when my fingers are cold."

"This is what you use these for?" Eric questioned sceptically while trying to fit one over his thumb allowing the knuckles to fill the pouch for the balls.

"Don't be ridiculous," Pam tittered. "That's what the spaghetti is for."

"Spaghetti?"

"Yes, I place my hands in the spaghetti and then Niall continues to suck them off. Other nights it's Niall's turn and he puts _his_ giant Willy in-"

"Enough!" Eric groaned in disgust.

"Don't be such a prude," she mocked. "You should try it sometime. As for Sookie, first floor closet on the right has more blankets than she could ever need. If that'll be all, I'm off to warm my cold fingers."

They didn't bother with a goodbye as they made their way to their separate destinations. The Viking vampire looked down at his woollen covered thumbs and knuckles and quickly tossed the ludicrous things off upon finding the closet Pam spoke of and returned to Sookie with a giant stack of blankets.

"Here we are my sweets," Eric announced proudly as he continued to cover her form with blanket upon blanket.

"I think that's enough," she giggled when suddenly the little red woollen shrug hit her forehead. "Ew! Please tell me that's not what I think it is." With clear disgust she tossed it across the room to the waste paper basket.

"It's a Willy Warmer," Eric informed with a slight grimace, embarrassed that he was now in full possession of that knowledge. "There was a miscommunication with Pam."

"It's not used is it?"

"Ehm, no."

"Oh thank god, I thought it was one of Bill's," Sookie sighed in relief. "I used to find those everywhere."

"Excuse me?"

"You don't know?" Sookie questioned. Eric seemed to know everything and it baffled her he knew nothing about this. "The Willy Warmer is Bill's invention. That's why it's called the Willy Warmer, you know after William. Though technically I think Lorena made him his first one," she continued as Eric could only blink mutely in wonder. "Where else did you think he got his money from? Except sadly that's the smallest they could ever make it, it never quite managed to stay on for him. He was always getting cold and it just became even smaller."

Eric situated himself instantly beside her between the many sheets and blankets to kiss her deeply, "Oh sweet Sookie, you have no idea how happy it makes me to hear that," he said self-assuredly looking at his thumb.

"Well okay," Sookie returned warily, not sure exactly what she had said that made him so happy all of a sudden but thoroughly enjoying the attentions nonetheless. Usually Eric just growled and moaned through anything having to do with Bill.

Eric continued his ministrations over her ever heating skin till finding her luscious folds, suddenly Sookie shrieked, her body shivering all over again. The Viking's smug grin grew even wider knowing it was _he _that was the cause of this excitement in her, the multitude of blankets eliminating any possibility of making his Sookie cold. However, this time the shriek that was exhaled with his touch was for all the wrong reasons, "Cheese and rice Eric! Why are your fingers so damn cold?"

**A/N: Meridian and her microfic Pam's Gift was partly responsible for this little assault on your poor feeble brains. You all know where the brain bleach is kept by now so stop asking me where I put it, you've been through enough Niall and Pam by now… but the cross wires only started churning for this little ficlet when I remembered this little conversation with mom2goalies… so thank her lovely tablet for the secondary inspiration. **

_mom2goalies says:_

_I vote Eric's sends Bill back hone in a body bag. ;-) Love their interactions and hope Willie's heart is mended very soon._

_mom2goalies says:_

_God I hate auto correct! Why must my tablet insist on changing Sookie to Willie?! Sigh_

_hisviks says:_

_LMFAO… I fear I am now an Eric/Willie shipper , although in the UK that would just mean _

_Eric is in a very deeply committed relationship with his 'gracious plenty'…._

_mom2goalies says:_

_OMG! Haven't laughed that hard in a while!_


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